Thursday, January 22, 2015

Completely 110% Real New England Facts



So I know you know that I don't care for football (handegg) with its caught-in-traffic style stops and starts and I've written and talked about that ad nauseam.

But who cares! It's Big Game Season! No, not the Pro-Bowl! The other Big Game! No, not Puppy Bowl! The other Big Game!

That's right. The Super Bowl.

In this year's Super Bowl, the Seattle Seahawks are playing the New England Patriots, and from my Twitter and Facebook feeds, I have determined that a lot of you non-New Englanders have had it up to here with New England's smugness about winning so many championships in all non-soccer sports (sorry, New England Revolution) over the course of the last decade.

I have to tell you- your anti-New England smack talk? It could use some work. Fortunately, I lived in New England for 21 years, and I am here to help! Here, for your use in all anti-Patriots smack-talk, are some true facts about New Englanders that NEW ENGLANDERS DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW!

1. Every single house in New England is haunted. Okay, so this is embarrassing. New England was first colonized by Europeans in the 17th century and in the last 395 years, lots of people have died there. I mean, the whole region was basically built on an Indian burial ground. They named a town, and two colleges after Jeffrey Amherst whose main life accomplishment was killing off a ton of Native Americans with smallpox laden blankets. Add a Revolutionary War, a Civil War, a great Molasses Spill, and a tendency towards emotional repression that can ONLY lead to alcohol abuse and you have New England- a commonwealth of ghosts. Every house has at least one ghost, and not the fun Casper kind. Oh no. These are like full on make-the-walls-bleed-speak-in-dead-languages-through-a-newborn-horror-movie ghosts. Want to talk smack to a New Englander? Say something like "Well at least I can go to sleep without my bed being levitated by the restless spirit of Jack Kerouac every night."

2. Fenway Park only appears during the summer and is only visible to the pure of heart. When Manny Ramirez left Boston, he cursed the city so that only those whose hearts were pure would ever be able see the Red Sox play a home game again. Manny's curse can only be broken if Red Sox owner John Henry finds true love before the last petal of the rose that sits atop Pesky's Pole falls to the ground.

3. Lobsters are sea-bugs whose diets mostly consist of garbage and other shit from the ocean floor. Mmm, lobster rolls.

4. There is actually only one Kennedy. JFK, John John, Robert, Ted, Jackie O.- all are merely aspects of the one-Kennedy. Understanding of each facet of the Kennedy will one day allow us to attain true higher-consciousness and understand the secrets of the universe.

5. There is no such thing as a Boston accent. Whenever someone from the Greater Boston area talks to someone from outside the area, they put on a fake accent where they drop their r's and say wicked before every third word in each sentence. This is done to lure unsuspecting out-of-towners into a false sense of security. "Oh listen to the dumb Bostonians and their silly accents." Well, underestimate New Englanders at your own peril because with one of the world's best education systems, healthcare systems, tech sectors, and a robust literary tradition, New Englanders secretly run nearly every aspect of your life while you're making fun of the way they say "park your car."

6. We just made up Rhode Island. You thought there was really a place called Rhode Island? With a capitol called "Providence?" That sounded plausible to you? Yeesh, a sucker is born everyday.

7. Texas is secretly part of New England. In 1953, Tip O'Neill from Massachusetts and Sam Rayburn of Texas met late one warm July evening under the Capitol Rotunda to sign the NewTexEnglandas Treaty, secretly making Texas the 7th New England State. Should New England ever enter into war with New York (WHICH WILL HAPPEN SOME DAY) Texas is sworn to reveal its true colors and come to the defense of their Northern brothers and sisters.

8. Everyone in New England plays all sports with deflated balls or pucks. It's a tradition that dates back to when John Adams and his son John Quincy Adams invented football in the early 19th century in Braintree, MA. They deflated the ball as a way to screw with Jacksonian Democrats.

9. In New England, if you bring a tomato within 100 feet of a clam, the penalty is death. While Massachusetts doesn't have the death penalty for murder, it DOES have the death penalty for preparing or eating Manhattan Clam Chowder. Anyone caught making or eating "Wrong Chowder" as it's called in the suburbs of Boston will be drowned in a tub of rum.

10. The Seattle Seahawks are actually the New England Patriots from an alternate timeline where the Nazis won World War II. In 1974, researchers at MIT tore a hole between our world, and a grim, alternate timeline where FDR and Churchill were never born and the Nazis won World War II, leading to an alternate world where Boston was called "Seattle" and its football team was called "The Seahawks." In closing the portal to this awful hellscape, the scientists accidentally pulled Seattle into our world. They attempted to isolate it from the rest of the world by placing it on America's desolate western coast, but in the 90's, Seattle emerged as a cultural powerhouse through the use of coffee and grunge music. And now, the Patriots of Earth II are playing our Patriots in the Super Bowl.

So there you go. Now that you know all this, smack talk to your heart's content.




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