Friday, September 13, 2013

Advice Column #2

Sometimes I get emails asking for advice. Sometimes I respond to them.

Here are a few:

Dear Sean,

I am a pumpkin. I was planted in the middle of the spring, spent all summer growing, and now that fall has rolled into town, I am ripe. I am large, and full, and orange. The sugars in my body are as sweet as they will ever be! I feel like I have finally entered the prime of my life! I am ready to start living. What do you think I should do? Should I travel? Do you know of any good restaurants I should try? I've never been to a baseball game. Will you take me to one?


A. Pumpkin

Oh, Pumpkin. Sweet, delicious Pumpkin. Hmm? Yes, I did just lock the door. It's for your own safety. You see, Pumpkin, I am what some might call...a pumpkin eater. When fall begins, and the leaves drift to the ground, and the air cools, I develop an insatiable hunger for....flesh....pumpkin flesh. Ah, I see you scrambling for the window. I think you'll find that it's also locked. Also, you may have forgotten this but you don't have any limbs, or hands to use in the opening of said window. Now, Pumpkin, get in this pie pan and let's put this whole messy incident behind us.



Dear Sean,

I am a young wizard and I have recently been accepted to Hogwarts. My understanding was that you got sorted into a house based on what type of person the Sorting Hat thinks you are. However, I have recently learned from my family house elf Malomar that the Hat will sort you into whatever House you want if you just ask it to. So, you know, awesome. My question is, what House should I pick? I'm leaning towards Gryffindor.


Young Wizard

Dear Young Wizard,

First off, congratulations on getting into Hogwarts. I still remember the look of relief in my parents' eyes when that owl showed up on my door with my acceptance letter, knowing that now I wouldn't have to attend magic vocation school. Onto Houses- you have four choices- Slytherin, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff.

Let's look at the pros and cons of each:


Pros: Lots of wealthy kids means you'll be networking like crazy. Tons of these kids are going to go into politics, and finacimancy. When you graduate, you'll probably be able to land a good job at a magical investment firm.

Cons: Lots of evil wizards.

Pros of the Cons: The world needs evil wizards. I mean, someone has to work in sales.


Pros: Gryffindor is like the Boston College of Hogwarts- great at sports, somewhat prestigious academic achievements, kids always seem to be having crazy adventures.

Cons: Gryffindor is basically the jock house of Hogwarts. They may be brave, but they can be huge jerks too (See James Potter, Sirius Black). Plus EVERYBODY wants to be in Gryffindor. Like, how many times do you think the Sorting Hat hears the phrase "Please put me in Gryffindor!" every year? A million? Two million? It's a very trendy house.

Pros of Cons: Eh, sports are fun.


Pros: Ravenclaw is the nerdiest house. This is where your wizard tech billionaires all got their start. If you like books, math, and working hard, this is the place for you.

Cons: Maybe not the best place to be if you like to party.

Pros of Cons: I don't really like to party.


Pros: This is where "all the rest" go which makes Hufflepuff a fairly diverse house. Loyalty is a huge Hufflepuff trait, so you're sure to make some lifelong friends who will stick with you through thick and thin here.

Cons: Hufflepuff is looked down on by snobs, just like non-wizard state colleges. Sure it may be a great house, with a great history, but it just isn't Slytherin or Gryffindor, right?

Pros of Cons: Screw those snobby assholes.

In conclusion? I'd say Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff all the way. Brains and loyalty beat deviousness and being too dumb to know you should be afraid any day of the week.



Dear Sean,

I am worried that Walt Disney will soon be unfrozen and will attack and eat me.


Guy Who Believes Everything He Reads on the Internet

Dear Guy,

For the last time: Walt Disney was not cryogenically frozen. He was cremated, which is the opposite of cryogenic freezing. The internet, while it is a very useful tool, is chock-full of "unfacts". An "unfact" is a thing that lots of people believe to be true that is not true at all. Other unfacts include:

*Vaccinations cause autism
*KFC doesn't use real chickens to make its fried chicken
*Barack Obama was not born in the United States
*Evolution is not real
*Facebook comments can qualify as legal documents that prevent Facebook from sharing your pictures for commercial purposes

When you read something on the internet, assume it's not true. If you want find out if it IS true, there are these really useful places called libraries that are basically made of facts. Check one out.



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