Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Shia LeBeouf has Come to Destroy Your Childhood

Over the Summer, downtown Chicago was invaded by Transformers.

Apparently, Transformers 3: The Search for More Money, has a climactic final battle scene in which the heroic Autobots do battle with the villainous Decepticons throughout the streets of Chicago's Magnificent Mile and Loop. While said battle scene was being filmed, those of us who work downtown would walk past, or sometimes through, the sets of this Cybertronian melee. For a short time, I would pass smoking piles of rubble, soldiers firing (prop) machine guns, and giant robots on my way to and from my place of employ.

One day whilst on lunch, Chelsea and I walked past a set and saw the movie's biggest non-robot star, one Shia LeBeouf. He's the dude I really want to talk about here. I won't get too into what I think of the Beef as an actor (I think he's a terrible actor). What I want to talk about today is the fact that Shia LeBeouf is a grim avenging demon who has emerged from the depths of hell to consume everything you loved about your childhood.

Now, as near as I can tell, Shia, or as he's known in the lower levels of hell Sh'a, was first spat out of Satan's maw sometime in the mid to late 80's. Shortly thereafter, he went to work at the Disney Channel where he became a progenitor of other famed ruiners-of-good-things like the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, and the entire cast of High School Musical. Unlike his Disney Channel ancestors, Sh'a was not merely content to ruin the childhoods of today's youth. Oh no. He had to ruin the childhoods of every kid who grew up in the 80's as well.

It all started with the first "Transformers" film. Transformers, for anyone born in the late 70's through early 80's, was the coolest frakking thing ever. Giant robots turned into cars, jets, cities, dinosaurs, tape decks, cameras, and all kinds of other stuff, and then beat the scrap out of each other. Did the show make any sort of sense? No. Was it really just a veiled attempt to sell toys? Sure. But it was still amazing.

So of course Sh'a had to come along and wreck it with some crappy live action movies. Oh you could blame the film's directors, or producers, but I know the real blame lies with Sh'a LeBeouf. "Transformers" was the first part of his Satan-assigned mission to make me, and all other 80's kids unhappy. The first "Transformers" is terrible. TERRIBLE. And you know why? No, it isn't because Bumblebee doesn't turn into a Volkswagen Beatle. No, it isn't the non-existent plot. It isn't even the incredibly poor acting of Megan Fox. The real problem is that Transformers- a movie about badass transforming giant robots focuses ENTIRELY ON SH'A LEBEOUF! HE'S THE MAIN CHARACTER! Not Optimus Prime, not Bumblebee, not Ratchet, not Megatron. The main character in "Transformers" is NOT a Transformer. He's a dude. A really lame dude who's signature "thing" is that he stutters when he says words ending in "oa".

Sh'a didn't stop there. Oh no. Because you know what else you loved when you were a kid? That's right, Indiana Jones. Sh'a wrecked that too. No, it wasn't George Lucas, or Steven Spielberg. It was the Beef. In "Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" we find out that Indiana Jones, the most awesomest, badassest character ever has a kid named...Mutt. Mutt is played by Sh'a as he tries to pretend to be James Dean but with knives. You can point to a million problems with "Crystal Skull". I mean, I laughed when the "extradimensional beings" flew their flying saucer out from under the ancient Mayan temple. But you know when I started shouting with blind rage at the screen? That's right, at the end when "Mutt" almost PUTS ON INDY'S HAT! YOU DON'T GET TO WEAR THAT HAT BEEF! YOU DON'T EVEN GET TO ALMOST WEAR THAT HAT! THAT'S INDY'S HAT! GET AWAY FROM THERE YOU VILE DEMONSPAWN! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

Ahem.

Where was I?

Oh yes, the harbinger of darkness ruining movies.

Sh'a isn't done. He has more great stuff from the 80's to ruin. Have you seen the trailer for "Wall Street 2: Money Talks"? First off, how weird is it that they're making another Wall Street so many years after the first? Second, how cool will it be to see Michael Douglas play Gordon Gecko again? Third- WHAT IN ODIN'S NAME IS SH'A LEBEOUF DOING IN THIS MOVIE? How is he going to wreck this one? My guess is that he will actually take a crap on Michael Douglas's face. I mean, that trailer looks pretty good, but Sh'a's in it, so that means two things- the movie will make $300 million and it will be frakking TERRIBLE!

So what's next for the Beef? What else can he wreck? Where does he go from here? Well, I saw some pretty impressive looking concept art for a Voltron movie floating around on the internet. Maybe Beef can play Voltron's obnoxious son?

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