X-Men: Revisited

Roughly two weeks ago, I saw the feature film version of Marvel's Avengers.

What did I think? Well the short version is that I loved it. I think it might actually be my favorite superhero movie ever. Right now, my top 10 superhero movies of all time looks something like this:

1. Avengers
2. Dark Knight
3. The Incredibles
4. Iron Man
5. Spider Man 2
6. X-Men 2
7. Hellboy 2 (why are the second films in superhero franchises usually so much better than the first?)
8. Batman Begins
9. X-Men First Class
10T. Hellboy
10T. Spider Man

You may have noticed the the original X-Men is no longer on this list. It's basically been knocked off by the Avengers. Which is fitting in some ways because Avengers did one huge thing better than X-Men. That thing is this: Every single member of the Avengers was given a chance to shine, where X-Men featured Wolverine as the primary character and used the other X-Men primarily as one-dimensional foils for ol' Canucklehead.

That's a problem for me. Wolverine is on the X-Men, but he isn't the only character on the X-Men. Did you know that the X-Men were created in 1963 and Wolverine wasn't even added to the team until 1975? It's true!

Now, I understand why the director, Bryan Singer, made the choice to focus so much on Wolverine. For one, he probably thought that the movie would be messy and hard to follow if he tried to focus on 5-7 characters and give them all equal screen time. Also, while there have literally been hundreds of X-Men over the years, Wolverine is far and away the most popular character in the book's history.

And...I always kind of agreed with that directorial decision until I saw the Avengers. And they did focus on 5-7 characters, and it was awesome. It was more awesome than that first X-Men film.

With that thought in mind, I've decided to list off some other general problems I had with the first X-Men film. Keep in mind, I still really like the movie. I think they nailed Wolverine. I think the action was great. I loved the special effects. Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen put on an acting workshop. The story is sad and compelling. But you can like something and still have issues with it. Here are some of mine.

1. It looks like the Matrix. In the late nineties, the Matrix came out, and made an absolutely insane amount of money. It also had a very cool look- lots of leather and sunglasses and trenchcoats. For the next 6 or 7 years, nearly every action movie that came out tried to copy this look. X-Men was one of these Matrix copycat films. Instead of brightly colored superhero costumes, the X-Men wore outfits that looked like a cross between flight suits, and something you would see at an S+M convention. Now, I understand that this was kind of a result of the time the movie was released, but I would really like to see an X-Men movie that featured movie versions of the X-Men's costumes from the comics rather than drab leather faux Matrix suits.

2. Cyclops is a weenie. This is actually my biggest issue with the X-Men films. Cyclops is my favorite superhero ever. When I was 10, I wanted to be Cyclops. In the comics, he is the leader of the X-Men. He is a brilliant tactician. He can blow a hole in the side of a mountain by opening his eyes and looking at it. In the X-Men films, and especially in the first film, he comes off as kind of a wimpy jerk. And that's all there is to him. He's basically there to make Wolverine look even cooler by contrast. There are alot of characters who the movies get wrong- Storm, Rogue, Sabretooth- but Cyclops is the guy who is most egregiously mis-characterized.

3. Magneto's plan doesn't make any sense. In the movie, Magneto builds a machine that turns regular people into mutants. It's kind of a throwback of a plan- very Silver Age-y. Bad guy builds a machine that does something kind of silly. But here's the thing- a mutant in the world of the X-Men is someone who is born with super powers. You can't turn someone who isn't a mutant into a mutant. Is Spider Man a mutant because he got bitten by a radioactive spider? No. He wasn't born with his powers- he got them through artificial means. Magneto believes in the inherent superiority of the mutant race. First, he wouldn't turn humans into mutants because he believes that people who aren't born with super powers are inherently inferior. Next, he wouldn't turn humans into mutants because to him, they wouldn't REALLY be mutants.

4. Anna Paquin is really bad in X-Men. As good as Captain Picard, Gandalf, and Wolverine are in the movie, Anna Paquin is bad.

5. Wolverine is too handsome. Oh, and he's too tall. In the comics, Wolverine is 5'3" and is kind of...busted. In the movie, he's 6'3" and looks he belongs in a Harlequin romance novel. This isn't as big of a problem as the others, and Hugh Jackman is great as Wolverine, but really there aren't that many less than attractive superheroes, and Wolverine is one of them. It would have been nice if they'd let him be an angry looking short guy.

The Truth of the Matter in Getting the Bod You Want (and Deserving It)

Almost 8 months ago I started Crossfit.  I drank the healthy cult juice and I am hooked. It's annoying to those around me that couldn't care less.  But beyond Crossfit, I've learned something and now I'll pass on that something to you:

The hardest thing about trying to achieve the body you want is accepting the fact that you have to change your lifestyle.  Many people, myself included, have tried to just adjust their habits a smidgen and expect awesome results. Sadly, folks, this is not possible.  In order to have a "rockin' bod," you have to change the way you live your life.  Daily...forever. Working out has to be a routine, like going to work or taking a shower.  At least five days a week of 30 min to 1 hour of sweating your ass off. Not giving into your brain's "I can't do this" or  simply, "no." No excuses, ever. Spending the time buying and preparing good food. Experimenting with different flavors, techniques and combinations to see what's palatable to you (side note: thank goodness for Sean or I'd be eating Ramen for dinner EVERY NIGHT).  Never give in, never surrender your body to what is easy.  Make goals for yourself: I'm going to lift this or be able to do this in X amount of time.  Cheer yourself on (in your head, otherwise, it's weird). Read about success stories; There are SO many inspiring stories out there on the interwebs.  Read them.  People who started in a much tougher spot than you are ROCKING THE SOCKS OFF OF LIFE and that means you totally can too. And in the end, it's not only the accomplishment in the mirror.  It's that you've proved to yourself that you can do it. You can eat right and enjoy it. You can lift things that you couldn't lift before and that makes you giddy.  And, sure, you can rock that outfit you've always wanted to rock.  But mentally and physically, you've won and you continue to win.  And you'll find out the amazing things that your body was meant to do.

Frakking Shiny Goes to the Movies- Cabin the Woods

Have you seen "Cabin the Woods" yet?

No? Then stop reading this right now. Because I am going to spoil the shit out of "Cabin in the Woods".

Still with me? You say you don't want to see "Cabin in the Woods"? Well you should. It's great. And seriously, we are going to talk about this movie in 5..4....3..2...1


Here goes:

I don't particularly care for horror as a genre.

I mean, I like the idea of horror movies. I love monsters. I love suspense. I love watching people solve puzzles (like, how do we get rid of this ghost that's killing all of the teenagers in this camp?).

But the execution of horror movies? I don't care for it, most of the time.

Why? Well nearly every horror movie you watch is exactly the same. A bunch of dumb kids do something stupid, wake up some kind of monster or serial killer, then proceed to make a series of stupid decisions that get nearly all of them killed. Then, the two or three characters who live overlook some very important factor in defeating their particular monster/serial killer allowing that monster/serial killer to come back in subsequent films. So there's that. I hate watching stupid characters being stupid.

Also, most of those stupid characters tend to be flat, boring, stereotypes. The dumb jock. The bimbo. The virgin. The funny guy. The goth. You get the idea. These aren't people- they're cartoon characters. And not cool cartoon characters like Bugs Bunny or the Animaniacs. These are really boring, mostly unbelievable cartoon characters. Oh, and have I mentioned how stupid they usually are?

Finally, the third thing I hate in horror movies is massive, totally unnecessary amounts of gore. I hate torture porn. I hate the "Saw" movies. I hated "Descent." Why? Because somewhere, somehow, someone decided that "violent" and "scary" are the same thing. They aren't. I mean, a little gore can be scary. But what's really scary is tension, suspense, and the breaking of that tension with something unexpected (interestingly enough, comedy works in basically the same way). Throwing buckets of blood and entrails around isn't the same thing. There is no tension, and no subtlety in most modern horror movies. To me, they're violent to the point that they actually seem kind of silly.

I mean, it would be one thing if there were just a few movies populated by dumb stereotypes who get violently murdered by crazy monsters, but there are tons of them. And they're inexpensive to make, and provide a pretty good return on investment, so I understand why Hollywood keeps churning the damned things out. But I wish Hollywood would say to itself "You know Hollywood? We make alot of money on these dumb movies, but we could do alot better."

Enter "Cabin in the Woods".

First and foremost, "Cabin in the Woods" isn't REALLY a horror movie so much as it's a movie about horror movies. Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard have produced a film that pays homage to what's great about the horror genre while tearing down what sucks about it. They have made a fun, funny movie that makes kind of a statement.

Basically, to spoil everything, a bunch of college kids go out to a cabin in the woods for a fun weekend, and they (mostly) get killed by some redneck zombies. Sort of. In reality, a large organization in some undisclosed location has been tasked with setting up human sacrifices to please some sort of Lovecraftian "old gods." These old gods demand their sacrifices follow a very specific set of rules. Specifically, they follow the rules of a typical horror film. So the kids are really part of a ritual sacrifice being orchestrated by a shadowy organization that is forcing them to (without their knowledge) play out the tropes of a typical Hollywood horror film.

Here is how Whedon and Goddard have addressed each of my three criticisms of modern horror:

1. The Stupids- In "Cabin in the Woods" the characters are actually pretty smart. They're college educated, and when confronted with a difficult situation (zombies) they actually make some pretty smart decisions- like sticking together instead of splitting up. The movie actually calls this out when the workers at the sacrifice factory start to freak out because the kids are making themselves tougher to kill. We then see those workers take a series of steps to actually make the kids dumber. They squirt Chris Hemsworth with a pheremone that makes him dumber. They poison the Stoner's pot to make him oblivious to the world around him. They put something in one girl's hair dye to make her act more like a bimbo (more on this in a minute). This is basically the filmmakers calling out how dumb teens act in most scary movies. The kids in "Cabin in the Woods" aren't dumb at all- they're just drugged. And in the end, one of them (the "Stoner") realizes that nothing that's going on makes sense, figures out what's going on saves the day (kind of).

2. The Stereotypes- No one in "Cabin in the Woods" is one dimensional, really. There is a bimbo, but as mentioned above, she's been drugged (basically). There is a dumb jock, but he's actually a merit scholar who is only acting dumb because he has also been drugged. Oh, and the Stoner saves the day (kind of).

3. Torture Porn- There is a ton of gore in "Cabin" but it's SO over the top and SO ridiculous. Have you ever wanted to see a guy get impaled by a unicorn? Then this is the movie for you. The violence here isn't meant to scare you, or gross you out, it's meant to show you how silly it is when horror movies try to use over the top gore to accomplish the goal of frightening an audience.

So there it is. As a statement about modern horror films, I loved "Cabin in the Woods." I also loved it just as a fun movie. The dialogue is great, the characters are believable, and the movie is, at points, laugh out loud funny. Go check it out if you get the chance.

10 Things I Learned in New Zealand

Our honeymoon in New Zealand was incredible.  It's the farthest I've ever traveled and I must say that of all the places I've travelled (England, Wales, Germany, Denmark, France), New Zealand takes the cupcake (cupcakes are more in than cakes, right?).

So, without further adieu, here are ten things I learned in New Zealand:

1. First and foremost, Kiwis (New Zealanders) are some of the most friendly and engaging humans on the planet.  They not only want to chat with you, but they want to learn something from you and interact with you on a personal level as well. The whole experience was so sincere and friendly.  It was quite refreshing.   Sweet As!

2. Caves are some of the coolest pieces of mother nature's handiwork ever.  In one cave we saw stalactites covered in moss that were being pulled towards the sun by the moss, rounded rocks, glow worms (!) and so many other things.  Our guide, Dion, was another example of kiwi awesomeness too.

 (Honeymooners in one of the Waitomo caves)

3. Driving on the right-hand side is MUCH easier to get used to than one would think.  Honestly, the harder part was being a passenger because you kept grabbing for the invisible steering wheel!

(Look mom, no hands!)

4. Hobbiton smells like fresh cut grass & sheep.

(The view up to Bag End from the orchards)

5. Frodo could step out his front door, look down the hill to the left and see Sam's house. I like to think of the two of them, outside, smoking a pipe to wind down for the day and giving each other a little wave.

(Samwise's house as seen from Bag End)

6. There are California Red Woods in Rotorua, New Zealand. A long time ago, botonists attempted to plant a ton of different types of trees where the Whakarewarewa Forest now stands. One of the trees to survive and thrive? California Red Woods:

(Why, hello, Mr. Redwood! It seems you're far from home!)

7.  This is so, totally fun:

(Chelsea Thrillseeker on the Kaituna River Rapids, ladies n' gents.)

8. Restaurant service in New Zealand is very different and inconsistent.  There really isn't a standard order to things. Some restaurants have you order & pay for your food and THEN sit down and be served.  Others will bring you a bill at the end of the meal.  And still others will require you to walk up to some cashier to check out after all is said and done.  Nothing is posted and no one tells you how it works.  It must be so they can laugh at the confused Americans.  We had a very kind waitress at the Fox and Ferret in Christchurch take pity on us and explain this.  And, for the record, this is the size of a true pint glass. Not the slimmer versions elsewhere:

(mmmm, cider)

9. Earthquakes suck:

(What remained of Christchurch's beautiful cathedral)

BUT as with any large tragedy, people do amazing things in spite of their wreckage.  Behold, the Re:START zone in Christchurch, New Zealand:

10. Trying things outside of your comfort zone makes you feel more alive.  I was terrified of many of the things I did in New Zealand (specifically white water kayaking), but in the spirit of honeymooning, I decided not to be a chickenpoop about anything. And I will never, EVER regret it.

(Abseiling. See the tiny white dot down below? That's a person's helmet)

(Sean attacks the Kaituna River Falls)

(Glacier Cave!)

Tips- For Life

I know, I know. We've been negligent bloggers this year. We've been busy!

Anyway. There are more New Zealand posts coming, as well as some other cool stuff. So stay tuned!

In the mean time, here are some tips for your life:

1. If you're like 19 years old, don't get a ton of piercings and tattoos. I mean, it's cool if you want to get some piercings and some tattoos, but don't go crazy. Like, don't get a big tattoo on your throat, or pierce your septum or whatever. Why? Well, you probably think I'm going to say something about getting a job, and while that's a valid point, I think what you really need to consider is that your sense of what looks cool is going to be totally different by the time you turn 26. Like, you're 19, and maybe you're really into Che Guevara and you love "The Motorcycle Diaries" and you think you're a really rebellious socialist, so you get a big Che Guevara tattoo on your back that says something like "DAMN THE MAN". But then you get out of school, and you realize that you actually like making money, and that most of those Communist countries had really oppressive governments and now that big ol' Che tattoo looks pretty stupid. Anyway. My point isn't political. My point is that people's tastes change.

2. Don't eat food if you don't recognize the name of an ingredient listed on the label, like "Maltodextrin". Do you want to know how to eat healthy? It's pretty simple- eat real food. A Twinkie is not real food. Oranges are real food. Doritos are not real food. Salmon is real food. "But I LOVE Twinkies" you says. "No you don't" says I. You've developed food Stockholm Syndrome. You've been eating those damned things for so long that you've really convinced yourself in the back of your head that you love them. You don't. Now go eat a bunch of figs.

3. Do things that are outside of your comfort zone. Have you never been to an opera? Go to one. Never ridden on a motorcycle? Ride one. Are you afraid of sharks? Go check out the shark exhibit at the aquarium. You only get so much life to live. Experience as many things as you can while you can. You will be AMAZED how much you can learn about the world, other people, and yourself by stepping outside of your regular daily life box.

4. Don't assume that someone is dumb or bad just because their opinions and beliefs are different than yours. If people only had one opinion on any given topic, the world would be a pretty boring place.

5. Help people. Help strangers. Help people you know. Help people you don't like. You reap what you sow.

6. If you get a job, and you go to get a cup of coffee, and you drain the pot, MAKE MORE COFFEE! DON'T LEAVE THE POT EMPTY! And if you do leave the pot empty, AT LEAST turn the burner off. If you leave an empty glass pot on a burner that is turned on, it will break into a million pieces.

7. At some point, go to a sporting event that you like between two teams you don't care about. Like, I love baseball, and I love going to see the Red Sox (my most favorite team) but I get really stressed out watching the Red Sox because I love them, and I want them to succeed, and it makes me sad when they don't. In contrast, if I go see...let's say the Cubs play the Nationals? I can just relax, eat hot dogs, get a sun burn, and enjoy the game for what it is- a game.

8. Don't watch "The Big Bang Theory" it's terrible. Also, if you meet me, don't say something to me like "You're funny, and you're a nerd, you must love the Big Bang Theory!" because I don't. I hate it.

9. Don't pay for things you don't use. Did you sign up for a gym membership in January, go for two weeks and then stop? Do you subscribe to a Cable service provider even though you mostly watch TV shows through Netflix and Hulu? Stop. Stop doing that. Stop paying for things that you don't use. It's a waste of money that you could be spending on things you DO use.

10. And here it is, my number one tip for life: Doing something the easy way is NEVER worth it. Ever. If you eat food, cook that food yourself- it will taste better, and probably be better for you. If you own a house, and something breaks, spend the money to fix that thing properly rather than paying just a little money to put a band-aid on it. If you have a job, work your butt off at that job rather than just showing up, collecting a paycheck, and going home. Taking the time, and putting in the effort to do things the right way will improve your life exponentially.

NZ Honeymoon Prologue: Shadows of the Past

Recently, Chelsea and I finally got around to going on our Honeymoon. A VERRRRRY long time ago, we decided that when the day came, we would go to New Zealand for said honeymoon. When I tell folks where we went, I get one of two replies:

"Cool!"

or

"Why New Zealand?"

To answer that question, there are a few reasons. One is that New Zealand is gorgeous. Another is that we wanted to take an active vacation (the idea of laying out on a beach and doing nothing for a week is pretty close to my own personal idea of hell) and there are lots of adventures to be had in NZ, and the final and most important reason? Well, there's a story there.

In September of 2002, Chelsea and I started dating at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst. I wasn't really looking for any sort of serious relationship as I knew that in September of 2003, I was going to move to Chicago, Illinois to pursue improv comedy. Over the course of the next two months we dated, and we fell in love. But, as this wasn't supposed to be a serious relationship, and as it was a relatively NEW relationship, I was hesitant to say "Chelsea, I love you".

In November, I went out and bought the DVD boxed set of the extended version of "The Fellowship of the Ring" because I loved the movie so much, and because I wanted to get ready for the sequel "The Two Towers" which was coming out at the end of the month.

One fateful night, Chelsea came up to my dorm room, which was on top of a hill with a stunning view of campus, and the rest of the Pioneer Valley, to watch, not the film itself but the appendices on the DVDs.

The appendices were all of the extra stuff- making of stuff, interviews with the directors, etc.

Maybe it was the Moon (which was full), but that night we both declared our love for one another, and for the first time, we decided that some day, we would journey to New Zealand- the filming location of the Lord of the Rings trilogy when we had the money to do so.

After nearly 10 years of waiting, and saving, it seemed an appropriate way to celebrate our relationship.

Letter to Seventh Grade Sean

I watched this yesterday, and despite my best efforts, I couldn't stop myself from tearing up. Okay, tearing up is kind of an understatement. I wept.

I have...a hard time reading or hearing stories about kids being bullied. And to just cut to the chase it's because I was bullied too.

Hearing the kid in the trailer talk about being called a "geek" and getting beat up, having his things stolen, and basically being treated like a walking piece of human garbage brings up alot of bad memories for me.

I was a small, athletically ungifted child who cried alot. Oh, and I was smart. For some reason that was also considered a bad thing when I was a kid. I get the impression from watching this that it still is.

I'm going to have to watch this movie. I hope that other people do and folks get some education about bullied kids- what they go through, and how to help them out. In the meantime, here is my own little message for bullied kids. I'm stealing this a little bit from "It Gets Better"and various "Dear Me" blogs, but here goes.

Dear Seventh Grade Sean,

Hey, how is it going? It's me, you from 2012, just writing to let you know a few things, and to give you some sagely 30 year-old-you-type advice. First and foremost, stop being ashamed of who you are and liking the things that you like. It may not seem it now, but the things that make you different will be the things that, someday, make you strong. You like comic books- that is awesome. You like Star Trek- that is awesome. You draw constantly, and read voraciously, and spend half your time dreaming up fictional worlds and characters and all of that is AMAZING. As you get older, your creative pursuits are going to be what drives you. People in your class use the words "Geek" and "nerd" like slurs when they talk about you. You will wear those two badges with so much pride some day.

You will get into theater, and through that improv. Improv will be the single most rewarding activity you participate in in your life. Some day, people will pay money to watch you and your friends play pretend onstage. I know that sounds unlikely, but it's true. Some day, people all around the world will download improvised Star Trek podcasts (those are like internet radio shows) that you and your friends record.

Speaking of friends, I know you feel like you don't have any now except for your brother, but you will have SO MANY GREAT friends some day. Theater and improv are going to be huge gateways for you to meet people, and to meet people who are weird and smart and creative like you. When you're 20, you're going to have a really incredible improv show, and a girl is going to approach you at the after show party, and want to make out with you. Totally make out with her! 9 years after that you will marry her. Actually, it's going to be weird because a few girls will approach you at that party. Only make out with the one named Chelsea. She is just as geeky, and smart, and weird as you. Oh and she is really, really hot. You will marry her on an island surrounded by friends. The meal will be fried chicken, and the party will be Steampunk themed (incidentally, you're going to discover and get into Steampunk in about 2 years).

You know how you read the World Book Encyclopedia cover to cover? Like it's a novel? Yeah guess what? Some day, you're going to work for World Book Encyclopedia. You will be a Digital Marketing Specialist. That's a totally awesome job that will exist in the future.

Look, I'm not going to lie, the next few years will be tough. You will never be tall. I know, I know, everyone keeps telling you stories about people they knew who sprouted up a foot when they hit puberty. That will not happen to you. You will go from being an abnormally short child to a slightly shorter than average adult. You will never really be any good at sports (though you will do something called Crossfit someday and you will be decent at that).

You will also have a hard time with girls. Through most of high school, dating is going to suck for you. Don't dwell on it. Try to have fun with dates. Don't be so hung up on falling in love. Like I said though, if you hold out, you are going to marry someone awesome.

People will continue to make fun of you. You're pretty much past the "Getting beat up daily" portion of your life. That ended in the sixth grade. But you are different. And some people hate that. You will continue to get picked on for being smart, and strange, and small. You will continue to be depressed, and angry, and lonely until you get to college. I swear to you though- if you develop a thick skin, and tough it out, everything will get better when you turn 18.

Just to recap- when you are 30, you will be married to a beautiful, funny, intelligent woman. You will have a cool job. People will pay to see you perform. You will have a bunch of awesome friends.

So, don't ever let anyone make you feel small. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are worth less than anyone else. Yes you are different, but your different is what will make you great some day. Stay weird. Stay smart. Work hard.

Love,

30 year old Sean